Do you ever have a memory come up on Facebook and think to yourself…how did that ever happen to me? Yeah, today was one of those days. It started with my ex-husband posting to a chat between me, him and our darling child. It was a memory of the day she moved into her apartment three years ago. Around that time was also when my boyfriend Chris moved in from Texas. It was a hectic time for me mentally adding a new person to the house and losing one that is so connected to me. I gained a relationship and an empty nest all at the same time. Throw in peri-menopause and you can just imagine how my brain was melting.
Memories on FB don’t seem to just pop up like they used to, so I went in to check my own and see what was there. I opened them to find this was the day in 2017 that my boyfriend Mike left me. I was pretty devastated honestly. The relationship had a lot of toxic qualities and he was pretty narcissistic. In four of the six years we were together, practically my entire family died including my holy trinity–Mom, Pop, and Meem. My grandmother’s death was fresh, only 2 months before. I was numb and empty to be honest. It was the year the universe made me stand up and take notice…with a sledgehammer.
At the time Mike left, I thought my ability to love was over and that I might never stand back up, but I did. I wasn’t more than a zombie for a long time and I fell hard into drinking and smoking again though it wasn’t what I wanted for myself. I did not want to take the same path as my mother and many other family members and be on the dying way before my time list. Life went on. I changed jobs, I visited family, and then Covid happened. I dated briefly in 2017, but then not again until 2020. It was time I needed to begin to heal and to figure out who I was as an individual. I dated someone online for a year but it wasn’t a match. A person can only drive 9 hours so many times.
And then I met Chris. He posted funny memes. He made me laugh. It started out like most online dating until it changed. I felt I had to meet him so I flew to Texas and we really hit it off. Economics during Covid really shook things up in his world and he was going to be homeless, so I bravely offered him to come here even if to just get on his feet. If it didn’t work out, then he was free to go back to Texas, not hard feelings.
I’m happy to say he stayed. We have built a life together in this house, made it something we both love and have filled it with joy and stories and color. He has made me more open and free and I have helped him to consider the details in life and to slow down to enjoy them. He tells me I’m beautiful every day…so many times a day. He thinks I’m smart and funny. What more could a girl ask for?
The whole point of this is that sometimes waiting is all you can do for the pain to go away, for your perspective to change, and to open up your heart again. I remember that first morning alone seven years ago after Mike left. I was crying in the driveway watching the sunrise feeling crippled. Now, I stand in the garden Chris and I have built and watch the sunrise on another beautiful day I get to spend with him and with a body and mind full of hope and optimism.
I was blessed when Mike left. I was given the chance to be free to see my own worth and demand it. I learned how to set boundaries and keep them. I learned that I was emotionally numb and needed to reconnect with my feelings. I learned that the power to do anything lies in my own hands. I never felt that way with him. I was only what he needed me to be because that was what I thought love was in the way I grew up. But love is more than sex and dates, it is having hard conversations. It is compromise and patience and dedication. It is not giving up when the going gets tough.
So if you are in a toxic relationship, I’m here to tell you that life gets better. You will survive and quite possibly thrive on the other side. It will be rough in the beginning and you will think you want him back or that you will never having anything better, but that will fade. Be good to yourself and make the first step. Life is way too short to not enjoy it.
Be kind to each other. Have hard conversations. Laugh. Cry. Believe your man when he tells you he thinks you’re beautiful. You deserve it. Thanks for reading.
Aleathia
Aleathia Drehmer 